Veröffentlicht am 4. Juli 2024 um 12:02

I’m sure you’ve heard people say, “if you don’t love yourself, no one will love you,” or “you have to be healed before starting a relationship.” 

I think it’s so far from the truth. 

It’s toxic, judgemental, and not to mention impossible! People saying this perpetuates the belief that if you’re looking for a relationship and don’t have one, you need to change yourself to be in one. 

It makes people believe that they are unlovable and unworthy of love unless they reach a certain standard. 

This belief that someone needs to be healed before being in a relationship tells people that they are not worthy of a love of being loved unless they’re healed.

But let me tell you something - being completely healed is a myth. No one is fully healed, ever. It is a process that sometimes isn’t always linear. It takes time and effort; it’s a lifelong journey. So this notion that someone needs to be healed is an irresponsible message to spread.

What does it mean to “heal”? 

Healing means coming back to your essence once you remove the lies, blocks, and traumas that have distanced you from your true being. 

Healing has no destination. There is no such thing as being completely healed. There are always layers to be uncovered because you are constantly growing. Some things may not trigger you the way they used to, but something else might take its place. 

This is why it’s impossible to be healed before entering any new relationship, platonic or romantic. There is always some “baggage” you’ll carry with you, and that’s okay.

People shouldn’t shame others for not being healed or demand them to heal before being in a relationship. It makes people feel bad about themselves and question their self-worth. 


Sure, loving yourself is the goal but sometimes we learn how to love ourselves through being loved by someone else. Just because you have a complicated relationship with yourself doesn't mean you don't deserve love or that you wouldn't be an amazing partner to someone.

“It’s not about finding a partner that’s fully healed, it’s about finding someone who is not afraid of their emotions. A person who does not suppress what they feel and can gently be present to their inner ups and downs will have a foundation of emotional maturity.” ~Yung Pueblo~

Sometimes relationships are the space where we are finally able to let our walls down, to trust, to be seen, to be vulnerable, and to heal. Sometimes it's in relationships that we heal.

Sometimes relationships are where we grow and become the best version of ourselves. Sometimes we need a partner to support us and to make us aware of things we may need to work on or ways in which we need to grow. Sometimes, we aren't even aware of these things when we're not in relationship.

You don’t need to be fully healed to be in a relationship; it’s a lie. But one thing is necessary to build a healthy relationship with someone: self-awareness. 

Self-awareness is the most important part of any relationship. 

If you want to know what’s really going on in your mind, look at your relationships. Relationships are the best teachers because they reveal your triggers and wounds by reflecting them back to you to heal. 

Having self-awareness concerning relationships means a few things:

Knowing how your past relationships have hurt you

Understanding your triggers and what causes them

Being aware that the pain of the past can show up in potential or current relationships

It’s not about how much “baggage” you have from the past, but knowing it’s there communicating past hurt with potential/current partners

Self-awareness is the foundation of any healthy relationship - not being healed. When you’re self-aware you know exactly what hurt you in the past and know that new relationships may bring up those triggers again. 

Being self-aware is the most important part of any healthy relationship because it begins with you. When you’re aware of yourself, your emotions, triggers, and past hurt, you can use that knowledge to help you in all of your relationships. 

You don’t have to be healed to be loved; you are worthy of love at every stage in your life. 

The truth is that healing is a life-long process, and it shouldn’t be the standard for a relationship. It is incredibly disrespectful to tell people that they shouldn’t be in a relationship if they aren’t healed or love themselves. 

There isn’t some level or standard you need to meet before you’re worthy of being loved. You are worthy of love because you exist. It doesn't matter where you are in life; you deserve love. 

The first step in building healthy, lasting relationships is self-awareness. It doesn't have to be anything deep either. Just be willing to look inwards and connect with yourself. The relationship you build with yourself sets the foundation for other relationships. When you have a deep connection with yourself, you can create deeper connections with others. 

You can do nothing more or less to be worthy of love. Taking that first step into self-awareness is what will open you up to all the possibilities and opportunities for healthy, trusting, and supportive love.

By Sangeetha Ramachandran & Lucille Shackleton

To explore more, contact me, let’s talk.

Joe Turan 

- Life Coach

- Tantra & Kuscheltherapeut









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