Becoming Secure is a path, and prerequisite, to deep intimacy.

Veröffentlicht am 30. Mai 2024 um 12:11

Things rarely arise in isolation.

Insecurity is usually coupled with uncommitment and they feed each other.

That's the game of degeneration.

It almost always has a mismatch in standards.

In this example, she is wanting someone who doesn't really want her.

He is playing with someone he doesn't really want.

This creates a perfect environment for insecurity and frustration.

She is going to be constantly on edge, trying to calm down the insecurity by attempting to secure a commitment from him.

He is going to feel constantly defensive, trying to protect his right to choose how much commitment he wants to give, and his right to invest to the degree he wants to.

The more she pulls and pushes for her needs to feel stable and safe, the more he resists… creating a vicious cycle that ends up leading to neurosis in her, and immense frustration in him.

This is the dance of the anxious and the avoidant… and it can easily be flipped where a man is anxiously wanting commitment (I’ve been that man), and the woman is resisting investing at that level. It can happen in same sex couples too. 

Because it’s a relational energetic dynamic between nervous systems operating from low self-esteem and dishonesty about what they truly want.

It’s resolved by becoming more secure internally, and then applying that externally with intentionality when forming relationships.

In this example, when she works on her self esteem and her anxiety, and then learns to apply that through external standards, she will realise that trying to get commitment from someone who doesn't want to give it is a losing game, and her energy is best expended elsewhere.

This is when the embodiment of a powerful truth for the anxious arises… “I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me”.

When he gets aligned with his truth, he will stop offering pseudo-commitment to mask his own insecurity that he wouldn't truly get what he wanted if was really honest about it. He will be honest about the level of commitment he is available for, the time frame he needs to lean into commitment, and his process of coming into connection.

This is a process of integrity, an alignment of desire and action and when the avoidant is clear about their process, they will find that more peace and freedom naturally emerges.

The recovering anxious doesn’t need a forever and ever commitment right now, they just need to know where things stand and reassurance that the relationship means something, is going somewhere and is worth investing in.

The recovering avoidant wants relationship, they just need to go slow enough that their nervous system is able to open and heal in connection without demands that exceed their capacity to meet. There is a real fragility in the avoidant that needs to be honoured and loved in their process.

Then the game of insecurity ends, and the game of intimacy really begins.

Because transparency ALWAYS creates more intimacy

and dishonesty ALWAYS creates suffering

Part of becoming Secure is having the self-awareness to speak our truths, own our needs and honour, love and respect each others nervous systems.

Then we get to move into the beautiful dynamic where commitment leads to safety leads to security leads to ever-increasing love and passion.

Becoming Secure is a path, and prerequisite, to deep intimacy.

~ Damien Bohler~


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If you are ready to take these steps and embrace both your strengths and vulnerabilities, allowing you to let go of the past and live your best life, fostering meaningful relationships with yourself and others...

Joe Turan 

- Life Coach

- Tantra & Kuscheltherapeut


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